when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
