A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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