I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
