His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
3pm strippers are depressing
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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