I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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