Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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