apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
