I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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