I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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