my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
