just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
