Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
