I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
