Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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