he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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