i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
