we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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