does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
