I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
