yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
