Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
