I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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