Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
