I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
