I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
