I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
