I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
