I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it hurts more in the daytime
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
