Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
