They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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