I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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