she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
