My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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