The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
