Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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