i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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