On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
