my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can't put those talents on a resume
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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