I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
