No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
