I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
