i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
