i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
