I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
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you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
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I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted