I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know