If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.