Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Found the puke drawer
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.