the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
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You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important