one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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