Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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