K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
