Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
