All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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