when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
