She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
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