I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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