You're a womanizer and a bitch.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
