you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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