yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize