I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
